On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
