And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Betty ford says i'm here all night
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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