PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
