the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
