eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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