Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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