Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
