This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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