its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
