The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
