The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
