FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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