I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
