I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
