Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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