Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
