I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
