the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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