when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
