I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
