Umm I'm too high to move.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
YAS. BRING CRAB.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
