I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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