Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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