Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
COCAINE IS GR8
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