This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
