So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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