Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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