I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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