Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
