you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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