I CAN MOONWALK!
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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