It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
