I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Randomize
