Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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