My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
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