around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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