Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
We left the knife in your bed.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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