I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
