I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
