perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
