I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
