The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
