Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
