having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
