if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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