Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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