I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
