a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
