he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
