At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
