he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
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