When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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