she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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