If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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