Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
