I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
